Always Know That I Love You So
by Flobouille93
Summary: "I have to say goodbye now, even though it hurts. But I'll be okay. In the end we'll be together again, happy and in love. I hope you'll never forget me." How do you react when the love of your life writes this to you ? WARNING : Self-harm, mental illness but not detailled.


_Hello everyone ! This is my first fanfiction and I really hope you'll like it. This story means a lot to me, because of the subject and the song I used. I've always been a big fanfiction reader, and finally decided to write mine. Especially because of two stories and one person, **To Build a Home **and **Breathe Me** by **balletismyobsession**. She's also my beta here. She's an amazing and fantastic friend. She helped me more than once, and I can't thank her enough for her kindness._

_English is not my first language. In fact I'm French ! That was a big challenge for me to write in another language, but I have to say that I'm pretty proud of it. I hope you'll enjoy it ! Here's the song : / watch ? v= jFjBBcIrvt8. I advise you to listen to it while reading the story._

**_WARNING : Suicidal thoughts, self-harm, mental illness._**

_I do not own Glee, Moulin Rouge or Goodbye by Avril Lavigne._

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_"I wonder what you're doing right now. I wonder if our lives would have been different. I don't even know if I'm happy or sad. I think I'm disappointed. I guess that's the right word. Did I ever tell you how I truly feel? I wish I did. But for now I have to go and leave you alone for awhile. You have to live; you have to find happiness. You have to promise me that. I know I said that I would never go, but I can't keep that promise and you've known that for so long. I love you. I always have and I always will. I don't want to leave you, but you'll join me one day. Just not today._

_Do you remember when we went to Paris together? It's one of my favorite memories. You sang me a lullaby to sleep, and I never forget it. I know I never will, even when I'm gone. We woke up in this beautiful hotel, just the two of us. Our parents were so crazy to let us go there. Paris, the City of Love. I still love you. I hope you know that. You gave me the promise ring and we made love. It was perfect. No rush, just the two of us together was all that mattered. I still see the candles and the roses in the bedroom when I close my eyes. You were so gentle and caring. You were perfect..._

_That memory always reminds me of Moulin Rouge. We were the Moulin Rouge, what it stood for. We believed in beauty, freedom and love. We had everything. I'll come back there one day, but only in my dreams. Or in yours._

_Don't worry about me; I'm not afraid anymore. In fact I can't wait to see it, to see if it's true what everybody thinks. I feel sorry to leave you, though. I'm disappointed because I let you down. We were meant to be. We were meant to live together, happily ever after. What's going to happen now? Will you forget me? Forget what we did, what we said? I never will because I simply can't. In Paris you sang to me when we laid together. "Come what may I will love you until my dying day." You knew I love this song. I like to think that you meant it. We'll meet again, don't worry sunshine. Sooner than you think. But later than you want..._

_I know it will hurt. But it's not like a break up. I'll be away, but I will always live in your heart, your dreams, your mind. I'll always be there even though you won't see me. There is this song I wanted to make you listen to. I'm actually listening to it. I'll never sing it to you though because I'll never have the chance to._

_**I have to go**_

_**I have to go**_

_**And leave you alone**_

_**But always know, always know**_

_**That I love you so...**_

_You see? I'll always love you. You were the one, the only one. Even when you were mad at me, I never stopped loving you. You know, you're really handsome when you're angry. I'm not kidding! Your eyes become cold but melt when you really stare at me. And then you blush because you hate to think that you hurt me. But you don't. No, you never did. You made me so happy, so complete. Unfortunately, I reached a point when I know that you couldn't help me anymore. I don't want to be your burden. I don't want you to stay with me because you think you have to. I know you love me, and I love you. So much it hurts. Everything hurts. The scars, the voices, the whispers, the future. I'm looking at a beautiful picture of us hanging on the wall. I'm playing the piano and you're staring at me. It's simple but perfect. The light, your eyes, the colors. You are perfect. I'm so glad Rachel took this picture and gave it to us. I spent so many hours looking at it when you were asleep or gone. It's probably printed in my mind now, not that I'm complaining._

_Don't ever doubt the way I love you. I love your eyes, so blue and intense. I love the way you close them when you laugh, when you cry or when you blink. I love your lips, especially when you kiss me or when you're smiling. Your hands are perfect. I love your skin, your beautiful porcelain skin. I love your arms when you hold me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. It's the best thing to know that you love me too. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."_

_They told me that it will be fine, that they'll do everything to make me feel better. It's been so long now and I don't really believe them anymore. At first I did, but not now. I still hear them, you know. Those voices in my head telling me that I'm worthless, that I need to do cut deeper. Maybe it will make the pain go away. They broke me, the voices, they destroyed me and they still do. But thank you for loving me and helping me. I'm so sorry for what I'm going to do, but it's the only way to feel better. I'll be alright, my love, because I know that we'll be together again later, when we both don't hurt anymore._

_**Goodbye, brown eyes**_

_**Goodbye for now**_

_**Goodbye, sunshine**_

_**Take care of yourself...**_

_I have to say goodbye now, even though it hurts. But I'll be okay. In the end we'll be together again, happy and in love. As I said before, you have to live. You have to find love. I hope you'll never forget me, but you'll find another man who can love you the way I do. A nice, caring, talented and handsome man. A man who isn't broken. Maybe he'll be your husband, maybe you'll have kids. You can't let your family, your hopes and your dreams drift away. Keep them close. When you join me, I want to know that you had a beautiful life, my love. I want to know that you're still friends with Rachel and Mercedes. They're your best friends and they need you just as much as you need them. Lean on them. They will help you, I promise, even when it seems too much to bear._

_**Goodbye**_

_**Goodbye**_

_**Goodbye, my love...**_

_Goodbye, my beautiful lover. Take care of yourself and shine like I always knew you can._

_Your lover, Blaine."_

Kurt wiped the tears in his eyes and kissed the paper. His heart and mind ached. He was shaking and couldn't restrain his sobs. Blaine, his best friend and lover, wrote it. To him. A goodbye letter. A last goodbye. What did he think when he took that pen and wrote his feelings down? Kurt read it twice and stood up, breathing hard. He loved Blaine so much. Why did he write it? Why?

"I love you, so much. Why did you do that honey?" Kurt kept staring at the letter, the words.

"Where did you find that?" The voice was quiet.

"In a box, with old love letters. I... I didn't know it was there. I was just cleaning up and found it." Kurt looked at the man, shaking. "When did you write it? And why?"

Blaine walked to him and held him tightly. He loved him: he was everything. He hated to know that it was his fault, that Kurt was crying because of him.

"Three years ago. I was completely lost. The doctors kept telling me that I'd be alright, but nothing changed. I took their pills everyday but nothing changed. I loved you so much, Kurt. You... you were my sunshine, a shining star in the sky. I couldn't do it anymore, honey. I was in pain. Even the cuts didn't help anymore. So I wrote this letter to let you go. I knew it hurt every time you came to see me in the hospital. I was selfish to let you suffer. I had to make the pain go away for both of us. When I was done with the letter, you came into my room. I thought I had time to do it, but I was wrong." Blaine wiped his own tears and kept talking. It was the first time he'd said all of this out loud.

"You smiled, took my hands and kissed me slowly. The doctors didn't allow me to keep my guitar because of the strings. They knew I was suicidal and even my guitar was too big of a risk. I felt so alone. No guitar, no piano, no freedom. But you brought it and told me that I could have it if you were here. You brought happiness with you. Since that day, I've never felt lonely anymore. I played and it was… amazing. You smiled and sang and that was enough. That was everything I needed. You truly saved my life that day, Kurt. And I can't thank you enough. I wouldn't be here now without you. I love you and I owe you so much."

Kurt looked at him and kissed him softly. There was so much in that one gentle kiss. Passion, love, tenderness, respect and security. Because they were safe now.

"I love you too. I'm glad I came with your guitar that day. I didn't want to go, because it hurt to see you hurting. But I came for you, for us. I knew that one day you'd feel better and that we'd be together and not have to worry about hurting. We would wake up every day in the same bed, happy. We would have dreams, we would have a future. And we did it, Blaine. Look at our apartment and the bed we share. We are happy, honey. I don't need anything else. I just need you. You were ill, it wasn't your fault. But you fought and you won."

They were sitting on the floor, crying softly. The moment was perfect. They kissed again slowly, embracing their love. Kurt unbuttoned Blaine's shirt slowly and let it slide the floor. It wasn't an act of want or of need. It was much softer. Blaine's breath hitched when the cool air hit his bare chest. Kurt's fingers traced the soft skin of his lover's chest, cherishing it.

"I love your scars," Kurt murmured. Blaine looked at him and frowned.

"They are here because you fought. I love them, I truly do. Even the ones on your wrists." Kurt took Blaine's right wrist and caressed the old white scars gently. Blaine never let anyone touch them, except for Kurt. Those scars meant so much for both of them. They'd been through so many things together. That time had been one of the hardest, but they'd gotten through it and they were stronger together.

"You're beautiful, Blaine. Every part of you is perfect, even your scars. I need you in my life. I hope you never forget that."

"I know. I need you too. I remember this letter, but I thought I threw it away years ago."

"I'll keep it. All those things you wrote, they're reminders of how strong you are." Kurt took the letter and folded it. The two lovers stared at each other and stood up, grasping hands tightly.

"We should go to Paris and stay at the same hotel. We'll eat French bread and cheese and lay on our bed for hours. I'll buy you roses and we'll make love and new memories." Blaine smiled and caressed Kurt's cheek.

"I'd love that," Kurt replied before kissing him once again.

They spent the rest of the day on the bed, reading old love letters and smiling. Everything was perfect, just the way they wanted it to be.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return...

* * *

_There is a bit of my life in this story. One day I felt sad, alone, lost and misunderstood, so I started self-harming. That was certainly the biggest mistake I've ever done. I still do it unfortunately. Music truly saved my life many years ago, when I was feeling down. I found myself in this world made of lyrics and passion. I've never been in the same situation as Blaine's, I've never been in a mental hospital (not yet...). But this is something I feel really close to._

_Thank you for reading it. I know it is not a story for everyone, but I hope you liked it. I put my whole heart in it._

_If you ever feel this way, please don't stay alone. You need to talk about it. I do not encourage self-harm : it's **dangerous**, it's an **addiction**, something you think about all the time. It can **kill** you and it leads to a lot of other problems. And I definitely do not encourage suicide either. Asking for help **is **the best thing to do._


End file.
